I am pissed.

I’m pissed.

Today I was at an office shop doing some printing of documents for my business. At a copier was a nice woman with long gray hair. Although she was approximately 20 years older than me, I often feel an instant kinship with women with long gray hair, as if they are in the same long-hair family as me. I instantly think (maybe mistakenly or perhaps judgmentally?) that they were hippies in their younger days and refuse to cut their hair like most older women do for some reason. I for one, will not cut my long hair just because I grow older. I absolutely love to see beautiful long gray hair on a woman.

Anyway, in a long wait for my printing to finish, we began talking. We had a very friendly conversation about my business and my relocating to the area. She told me she knew a girl in the same profession, whom I would get along with great. She would love to introduce us. We talked and talked and I felt a great warm feeling about this person, as if we were instant friends.

About 20 minutes into the conversation, she asks me if I would like to see what she is doing there (what she is printing). Of course I walk over to see and she begins the next sentence with, “Are you a Christian? – I hope?” “Nope. But I would still like to see what you are doing.” Talk about an uneasy feeling in the warm conversation, which instantly turned negative and uncomfortable by that rude and so commonly asked question.

Our conversation pretty much ended at that point. We had nothing more to say to each other. She showed me the stuff she was doing, printing up religious booklets teaching about god. She asked me if I wanted one, and I told her I didn’t think she should waste her hard work on me, I knew I would not be interested in reading it. (I know all I need to know about the Christian religion, thank you very much.)

So there goes another could be nice relationship down the drain because of religion.

First of all, I find the question rude and completely private. To me, it is a philosophical question, the question of life, our souls, why we are here and where we may end up after death. Very complicated in its unknown answer and cannot be answered in a simple “yes” or “no” or named in a certain one religion. I do not call myself any religion, I do not call myself an atheist, as that subscribes to the same name application as do all religions. I am quite spiritual and honestly, that is nobody’s business!

But for some reason, with that imposed question about my personal beliefs about life and souls, I felt a couple of instant reactions: 1) Defensiveness and 2) rage/anger.

First, why do I feel the need to explain myself to this stranger? I felt I needed to explain why I am not a Christian. I felt she was wondering, well then, what are you? I wondered if she thought, therefore, that I am a satanist? Should I have said I am Buddhist, just to provide her a quick answer? However, I am not Buddhist, and I don’t really lie, so that would not have worked for me. It would have been easier to just lie and say I was Christian. We could have kept our nice sweet conversation going and she may actually have introduced me to her friend she thought I would get along with so well (I have yet to be introduced, by the way). But I don’t lie to people. I am an honest, caring, loving person. I care about everyone in the world. I do not judge people. I do things for others. I say hello to strangers on the street. I am compassionate. I never cuss, I have never fought with another person, I donate to charities, I want peace in the world. I am genuinely a good soul if I do say so myself.

I felt I needed to provide her an explanation. I almost began to reply “but I am spiritual” or something, but stopped myself, realizing it is not really necessary or her business. Why do I feel I need to explain myself to people who so rudely impose their view on others? I don’t feel it is appropriate to do that. There is nothing that actually brings out more anger in me than a person coming to my door in the middle of my work day, causing my dogs to bark fanatically and irritatingly, to try and impose their religious views on me.

Angers and enrages me! I can see why most all of the wars of the world are caused by religion! It really brings out some serious anger in an otherwise nonviolent-type person. After someone comes to my door and I have to shoo them away with some excuse (and more recently some angry speeches), I spend hours discussing it with my husband! They have interrupted my day, I can’t go back to work because I am furious, and I have to discuss why I can be so rude to a nice young child of 18 sometimes who I don’t even know, just because they come to my door like that? I am never mean to a person like that! But lately I can be pretty mean and say something rude to a stranger because I have been trying to train myself to be honest rather than saying something that will give the person the idea that they can come back another time. I want them to get the idea that they are not welcome if they are going to try and impose their views on an adult who has spent a large amount of time giving serious thought to the subject, definitely more time than they have it appears. Because if you give the subject some serious thought, a rational person most definitely should come to the same conclusions as I. (If not there yet, then you haven’t given it enough rational thought.)

See how the subject brings out some negative features of my humanity? I suddenly become judgmental – I obviously think that I must be smarter than the Christians because I know that I don’t know. I think that I am more caring and thoughtful than the Christians, because I see day in and day out so-called Christians doing very mean things. I have seen some serious racism in the middle parts of this country by “Christian” people who are living in the “bible belt.” What? It doesn’t make sense. I have seen some terrible things come out of “Christian” people, much worse than I could ever do. But suddenly, when the subject presents itself, I can easily be turned more rude than I ever am just because it angers me so.

I spent my childhood going to church – I am sure because my parents felt it was their social responsibility to make sure we belonged to a church. They often didn’t accompany us, just sent us to Sunday school, probably to have some time to themselves.

I spent much of my young motherhood in uncertainty as to whether I should be making sure my young child was involved in a church. This was due to the upbringing which teaches you that once you know about god and religion, and refuse it, you are definitely in trouble. My Christian sister has at one time told my teenage son that she was worried that since he knew about Christianity and chose not to believe it, he would go to hell. But who told him about it? Her (to my utter anger)! So she imposed this fear onto him. Had she not said that, as per the Christian rule, he would have never known and, therefore, would have been accepted into their heaven because he was unaware and a good person. Oh darn! Now it is too late, he is doomed. Even though he is an awesome thoughtful, caring and compassionate teenager, he is doomed. “God” won’t accept him and will leave this kind boy to burn in hell because he won’t give up his sense of logic, throw his intelligence in the trash, and start praying to the imaginary.

Defend my freedom to believe what I want. Angry at all those who impose on others.

There is so much more that could be said here, but as you can see once again, the subject takes me away from my real work to write this and relieve some of the anger it has caused me. I feel slightly better.

Nature and the heartless teenage girl

Poor dying squirrel.  My vacations usually include camping. However, camping in national parks has become a bit of a disappointment as of late causing me to change my vacation plans recently as I no longer enjoy sharing my personal vacation time with the normal national park visitors. I have learned that most of the visitors aren’t really there to enjoy camping and nature. Most are there to party with friends or are children dragged along by parents wanting to expose them to what is expected to be seen during childhood, whether they like it or not. Sitting in my campsite, I have seen children with fishing poles hanging the baited hook into squirrel holes, waiting to see if they “catch” a squirrel, with parents sitting in their own campsite unaware or even uninterested in what their children are doing.

**

My most recent experience was waking one morning to my husband telling my young child about the squirrel he had been observing next to our campsite this morning who seemed to have been hurt and was obviously in pain, probably dying.  I could hear the concern in my child’s voice and she was wondering how to care for this squirrel, hoping to help it in some way.

A while later, a mother and her daughter walked by and discussed the dying squirrel, the girl displayed some care, stating she might want to bury the squirrel.

Moments after this, a younger sister of this family walked up with a stick to poke and prod this hurt squirrel. She was about six years old and this seems to be a common behavior between children and dead animals. However, her mother scolded her and told her the squirrel was dirty and do not touch.

This girl returned a while later with a boy a few years older, both with their necessary sticks. They began poking and prodding, turning the squirrel over, the boy ready to reach out and grab the squirrel. As the squirrel was not yet dead, and obviously in much pain, I felt it necessary to say something to help the poor squirrel die in peace. I also found it difficult to watch as this was directly in front of our campsite where my young son was viewing this behavior as well. I asked could the children leave the poor squirrel alone because he was sick and in pain, it probably didn’t feel good for him to be poked at with a stick.

The boy found it very difficult to listen to us. He returned several times with more poking attempts. His mother scolded him to wash his hands, do not touch. There was no mention of the squirrel in pain, however. Just the basic worry about the boy getting disease or dirty from the animal.

After several attempts, we could no longer take watching this so my husband gave a more stern scolding to the child telling him to leave the squirrel alone.  He must have informed his family of this as the boy returned with a teenaged sister, her stick, and another older girl (possibly his mother, although she looked about 22, so I am unsure) and her stick. They seemed to feel a need to insert their authority over their boy’s behavior and obviously did not appreciate us telling him anything. So the teenager began poking the squirrel and picked it up by its arm, letting it hang four feet above the ground. He was still alive mind you, but barely hanging on.  I could not keep quiet and had to say something to this girl. I asked her “don’t you care that this squirrel is hurt and is dying?” She said, “I have no heart.”  My husband told them that he hoped they would get the privilege of having a dying squirrel in front of their campsite next time so that they can enjoy poking it and stabbing it to death all they want! That eventually sent them away.

**

I found it deeply disturbing and could not get past my anger about this for several hours. I wondered  – why is the family there? What made them choose a camping vacation if they do not appreciate nature?

I understand that many people see squirrels as rodents, or do not care about animals in general in the same way as I do. I am not an overly fanatical animal lover and I do not belong to any activist groups. I do, however, respect nature and care deeply about the balance of nature and the gifts that mother nature provides. That is why I choose to camp for my vacations.

My frustration with this situation was this: This girl was a teenager. She should know right from wrong by this age and have some empathy for this living creature. Since she didn’t, it was a sad realization that there is nothing I can do to change it and that there are so many others who are the same as her. Her parents might also be the same and she probably learned from them everything she knows. Are there people like her everywhere? How will we ever learn to love and care for one another when there is this attitude and mindset in many of the teenagers growing up today? I know not all teenagers are like her, but I do know there are many. What does it take to teach the basic common value of caring and loving other living creatures if your parents don’t care about them?

This raises so many other questions and so many thoughts I will have to write about another day.

a squirrel